impacts the relationship with yourself and others.
Introduction
Inside the Mormon faith those who leave it are labeled as apostates, lazy learners, or quitters. What many active Mormon church members don’t realize is that most people who leave take a long time to think about it all and don’t make this decision lightly. Growing up in a Mormon household and community usually means all your neighbors, friends, and acquaintances are all part of your same religion or ward family, especially if you live in Utah. According to a landscape study done by Pew research, 55% of adults in Utah are Mormon and so the possibility that most of your neighbors identify like that as well is quite high. (Pew 2015) Being a member of the Mormon church instantly gives you a community that you might not have anymore once you decide to leave. Many members go to Sunday services and then other church related activities throughout the week. They are paired up with other members and will visit active and less active members in their community to make sure they are taken care of. Being a Mormon means more than just saying your prayers and attending church on Sunday, it is a way of life that is often very foreign to those outside of the religion. According to a Pew Research study done in 2016, among all Christian religious traditions in the U.S. Mormons are among the most highly involved in their congregations (67%). This is based on membership in a congregation, frequency of attendance at worship services and frequency of attendance at small group religious activities. (Sandstrom 2016) Because of this fact I wanted to see what the positive and negative effects were for those that chose to leave Mormonism and how their relationship with themself and others changed after that. In this paper I will try to describe that the data I collected shows that there are many positive effects when it comes to self love (relationship with yourself) but also negative effects when it comes to relationships with others after you leave the Mormon faith.
If you look back on how the Mormon church started you will read a lot about how close the members were to each other and how they lived a sort of communal way of life. They took care of each other and helped out as they moved from place to place until they finally ended up settling in Utah. In 1846 the Mormons left Nauvoo and started the trek out west. Around 12,000 people would walk across the plains and leave all their belongings behind to be a part of a new “zion” that promised religious freedom. Once in Utah they stuck close together as they helped build each other's homes and took care of those around them. That time really solidified the Mormon attitudes, practices, and cultural habits we still see today. In order to be a part of this community and culture you need to be a member of the church in good standing which means adherence to strict rules and regulations. According to Robert M. Bowman Jr. in addition to living a morally exemplary life (a fine goal, but one that few people can claim to achieve), one must be baptized into the Mormon Church, participate regularly in church meetings and temple work, and observe all of the church’s rules governing sabbath observance, fasting, tithing and even diet. Most Mormons cannot honestly claim to have reached these goals and are probably unsure if they ever will. (Bowman 2012) Most members, myself included, were taught this from an early age and had it reinforced to them throughout their years growing up. Sunday school lessons would focus on this, bishop worthiness interviews would reiterate it, and weekly family home evenings would remind you of the life you were to live in order to be a good part of the Mormon church. I lived, breathed, spoke and thought Mormonism for 46 years as that was what was expected of me and drilled into my head weekly if not daily.
With the many misconceptions today by active members of the Mormon faith, asking the questions about the effects of leaving Mormonism can hopefully shed some light on the subject and reveal real heartfelt answers and explanations that can be beneficial to both sides. While there is a lot of research about religion and conversion out there, when it comes to deconversion it is a little harder to find previous research especially in the Mormon/Ex-Mormon communities. Having an insight into the minds of a small number of Ex-Mormons can hopefully help and ignite other research on the topic. According to Heinze Streib, “Religious change was an important theme in the psychology of religion from its beginning with a focus on conversion, but with the emergence of new religious movements and the recent growth of religious unaffiliation, religious exiting and deconversion received growing attention.” (Streib 2009) My research on this topic and the analysis of the data I was able to collect hopefully will help answer some questions that may not have been asked yet and will add to a growing research topic that is relevant in today’s society.
Literary Review
I started my research by looking into deconversion and what other studies have been done. Searching for studies done about deconversion and the Mormon faith was a lot harder than just looking for studies done on deconversion in general. I wonder if this is because the dominant religion in Utah is Mormonism and not many people are willing to go into details on why they left. This could still be a sore topic at home or around friends and family making it harder to answer truthfully and be open. I found a few very interesting and noteworthy articles that gave me more insight into deconversion, how people become atheist, and why religion is in decline.
Pew Research studies have always been a great way to see data on many topics and since religion has been a fascination to me for a while I have read many of their studies. For this research project I chose to focus on two of their studies. The first one is from 2016 and gives us a broad overview of Mormonism while highlighting some of the main facts about the church. The study indicates that family and gender roles are really important for members and that many of them see “being a good parent” as their highest life goal. The study also highlights that Mormons are the most highly involved in their congregations which is a very important fact for my study as well. I was able to gather some great data for my paper from this particular study. The second Pew research study I included is from 2022 and focuses on the future of religion in America. This study was also very fascinating to me as it also pertains to my topic of research and it is something I personally have witnessed happening over the years. Since the 1990s, large numbers of Americans have left Christianity to join the growing ranks of U.S. adults who describe their religious identity as atheist, agnostic or “nothing in particular.” (Pew 2022) The reason I chose my topic of leaving the Mormon church was because I could see this trend happening and I wanted to see if others had similar reasons such as mine to abandon their faith they had practiced for many years. The study states that most people leave or switch religions between the ages of 15 and 29 but I have found that I was able to have a much more diverse number in my study. While many of the participants in my survey do fall into that age range, about half were in the 30 to 65 range instead. Disaffiliation was a big topic in this Pew research and almost all of my participants left the Mormon church because of that same reason.
In order to write a good research paper about Mormonism I needed to make sure that I knew the ins and outs of the religion. I was raised Mormon and lived as an active member for 46 years. I believe that I have a lot of knowledge when it comes to the church and its teachings as I was heavily involved the entire time, but I still wanted to look at outside sources to see what they thought Mormons believed. I found an article by Robert M. Bowman where he quotes a lot from the Gospel Doctrine book that is used inside Mormonism. I have studied and read that book myself many times and so I was already familiar with all the ideas inside. I was able to find some parts useful for my research as it explains in detail how Mormons should live and all that is expected of them as good members of the church. The expectations set for all members can be daunting and even extreme for some as you are supposed to give up your life in a sense for the building up of the Kingdom of God. Rules, regulations and expectations are outlined and seen as something you must do in order to stay in God’s good graces. Not living up to the expectations set for you can result in disciplinary action or expulsion on some occasions.
Another great source I found was when I was searching for journals/books on deconversion. Heinze Streib is a German professor of religion and has contributed to many studies about this topic. His paper on deconversion is full of amazing material that sheds light on the process and why people leave or switch religions. Deconversion implies loss of formerly meaningful religious experience, of embeddedness in one’s former community, criticism and doubt regarding formerly appreciated beliefs, rituals, and prescriptions, and, finally, disaffiliation from a community (Streib 2009) In his study on deconversion Streib looks at many different aspects including well-being, prejudice, values, and attachments. I found the following about well-being important as I saw similar results in the analysis of my own data. The evaluation of in-depth interviews with 24 exiters from fundamentalism in the USA indicates that well-being enhanced with deconversion; and the author concludes that freedom from religious conformity, new secular relationships with mutual emotional exchanges, an enhanced sense of autonomy, and personal freedom may have contributed to their greater well-being as well. (Streib 2009)
The next study I found takes a deep dive into the emotional toll people take when they decide to step away from Mormonism. J Todd Ormsbee looked at what a person all must go through before they get to the stage where they decide to actually leave. High-cost religions tend to have much tighter communal bonds, regulations, and social obligations, potentially making both joining and leaving more difficult.(Ormsbee 2020) For his research he joined two closed online groups of questioning and doubting Mormons and followed, investigated, and talked with them for years to get the research he needed for his study. It actually took him four years of building relationships of trust before he was able to talk personally with individuals about their decisions and questions as they were afraid to open up completely about their doubts and insecurities. After a careful and long study he explained the pivotal moments in his participants' lives that slowly added up until they no longer could justify them or push them to the side. Emotions were a big part of his study as he could see the participants struggle to make sense of their predicaments. I concluded that inasmuch as Mormonism had shaped their emotionalities, it therefore also necessitated a reconstitution of emotions as part of the leaving process.(Ormsbee 2020)
Sergio Perez and Frédérique Vallières wrote a fascinating article discussing how religious people become atheists. Since many of my participants also followed that same path and no longer see themselves as spiritual or religious, I thought this would be a good research to look at. They describe religiousness or religiosity, as the quality or state of being religious, can be commonly understood as a personal belief in God/gods/a higher power, institutional practices (e.g. Sunday mass), and commitment to organized religion.(Perez 2019) One of the parts from their research that really stood out to me was the fact that many people who leave a religion do so because they feel compelled to find answers to all their religious questions. Commitment to truth and integrity stems from religious training itself. This means that successful religious training would instill students with a drive to seek truth and integrity to such an extent that they would also assess the truthfulness of their own religion, should they detect any issues within their belief system.(Perez 2019) This part of the research was very validating to me as I felt the need to find answers to my questions as I was doubting and I knew to study to find reliable answers and not just take someone else’s word for it from my religion. The Lord taught that we should “seek learning, even by study and also by faith” as we can read in Doctrine & Covenants 88:118. (Seek 2004) This scripture was repeated over and over my entire Mormon life but I did not feel I could follow its advice until I was ready to start my deconversion.
Data Collection
I decided to create a survey that would be self administered. I created 11 questions regarding the person's upbringing, family dynamic, and views on religion. I then added 5 more questions for demographic purposes. I was able to gather data from 40 individuals who chose to voluntarily participate in my survey. All participants are no longer associated with the Mormon church but were at one point a member. I was able to receive these 40 self administered surveys through an advertisement I placed on an ex-Mormon facebook page I belong to and I was also able to get some surveys back from co-workers who expressed interest in my paper and wanted to be able to participate as well.
After being a member of the Mormon church for 46 years myself I wanted to find out if other Ex-Mormons had similar experiences as me after leaving this high demand religion. I found many positive and negative effects in my life after my deconversion and it made me curious as to other people's thoughts and feelings on the same topic. In order for me to come up with some good answers to my questions I knew I needed questions that people were not afraid to answer. They needed to be broad enough to build a base line but also in depth to draw out the emotions and feelings I could not reconcile. I think I was able to come up with questions that could be answered in a simple way or with a lot of extra explanations. All participants could choose how much they wanted to elaborate and divulge about their feelings.
Summary of all my participants (as a whole)
I was able to receive data from 40 different individuals. I got a good mix of gender with almost half of the participants in the male and the other half in the female category with a few non-binary individuals as well. My age ranges were also very diverse from 18 year olds to 58 and everything in between. It was interesting to see when people left their religion and how long they had been a member. There were participants who were still young when they left and so their involvement with their religion was short while other participants were members for over 30 years and had experienced a lot more within the religion. I myself was an active member for 46 years when I decided to leave the religion and it was interesting to compare my experience to those who left after only a few years in. Another important factor for me was whether the participants were raised in or outside of Utah and I was able to split that almost 50/50 as well. The Mormon culture and religion are quite different depending on where you live. I was raised in Europe and have lived in Oregon, Washington State, Idaho and Utah. I have experienced being a church member differently in each state and country I lived in and so I wanted to see how different the answers were, if any, from those raised inside Utah and those in other places. Half of the participants are married with a good mix of single, divorced, or in a partnership to fill out the other half. And again almost half of the participants self identify as part of the LGBTQ community while the other half identifies as straight/heterosexual. The diversity of my group helped me see this issue from a variety of different sides and hear stories from people in all stages of life. I was really pleased with the amount of diversity I was able to access in all aspects as I think this did the paper more good than harm.
Data Analysis: (by theme)
“Born into” or “Converted”
I wanted to know where my participants were coming from and so I decided to ask if they were born into the religion or if they converted at some point in their life. Another question I asked was how old they were when they decided to leave Mormonism and this way I could see how long they were a member and I could analyze their answers based on that as well.
I thought these were very important questions as the idea about religion can be very different when you grow up only knowing one way to live as opposed to searching, finding and converting to a church later in life. I was born and raised in the Mormon church and as such never knew any other religion besides Mormonism. I never visited other churches, read books about other religions, or wanted to know what else could be out there for me. The participants in my survey were all mainly born into this religion as well with the exception of 7 individuals who converted between the ages of 16 and 38.
I did not leave Mormonism until I was 46 years old. After polling all my participants, they all explained when they left and it ranges between 14 and 58 years of age. I really like that I was able to get such a wide age range as it brings a lot more different stages of life into my research. There were some participants who were only members during their youth and left before more serious commitments were made, and others who checked all the Mormon boxes and served as bishops before leaving. The diverse stages of life helped me to see how different people would leave a religion at different times and because of different reasons.
Family dynamics as a member versus after you left.
I wanted to know where each individual came from religiously, and how their family viewed and participated in that religion. Then in a later question I wanted to know how that had changed over time to what it was today. There were a good mix of families represented here as many came from families where everyone was active and participated in the religion. Some came from split religious households where some were believing and others not so much. The interesting part was that now that they have left Mormonism their family dynamics have also changed. Many of the all active families were now only partially active or had left with the participant together. Out of the 40 individuals only a few still had family members that were very active. Many of the participants went from all active families to partially active or not active at all.
Those that left the church and other family members joined them stated their relationship improved as they were able to work through all of this together. Those who left alone and still had many active family members felt their relationship lacked certain things and made certain members drift apart from each other. A few even went as far as to say they no longer had a relationship with their family since they left the church. I feel for those that had to give up their family as well as their religion and community as that could not have been easy. I was lucky enough to not lose my relationship with my kids. My extended family and I are good but probably not the same as we were when we had more in common. Our topics of conversation are different now as they know my stance on religion or lack thereof. I have super amazing kids that only wanted me to be able to live authentically and so when I had to make the hard decision to leave my religion I grew up in they knew how difficult that was and did not judge me for it. They encouraged me to live authentically and to not be ashamed of who I have always truly been inside. I have one daughter who is still active and one who left the church even before I officially did. They were both raised very active and involved by me until I left when they were in their early 20’s. My youngest daughter left before I did and so my decision to leave never influenced her and my older daughter is still an active participating member in good standing and so my leaving again did not influence her at all.
Memories of growing up inside Mormonism.
I was a member of the Mormon church for 46 years and was born into it. All my memories from when I was younger were mainly church related as my parents were very involved and so a lot of our time was spent at church or running church functions. I wanted to gauge if the other participants of the survey also had good memories from when they were younger and members of the church. For the first 14 to 16 years of my life my memories were rather good and I couldn’t think of any memories that were bad when it came to Mormonism. My memories after that time through adulthood changed slightly as I became more aware of my role in this religion and how I should and should not act. On a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is bad and 5 is good, most of the participants hovered around the middle with semi-good memories. Only a few had nothing good to say about their childhood as they listed off things such as being pressured, forced, or guilted when it came to their participation in church and its activities.
What does religion mean to you now?
I was very surprised when I read the answers from all the participants about this particular topic. Out of the 40 people I surveyed, 38 of them self-identify as either atheist or agnostic. One participant mentioned that they thought religion was a form of social control. Another mentioned that God is good but organized religion is not. A few said that they believed that community was more important than the religion itself and that they respect those who want to practice a religion but they will never join one again. I find myself in the same boat as most of the participants as I find myself not searching for a higher power or meaning anymore. After leaving a high demand religion such as Mormonism, the breathing room I suddenly hold for myself is very liberating and I don’t feel the need to fill it with anything.
I wanted to see how leaving religion would change the participants' perspectives on life and there was an overwhelming response with the words fantastic, happier, better, more peaceful, more freedom, more honesty, less guilt, less control, and less shame showing up in many of the responses. This was the first question where multiple participants elaborated their answer and gave detailed accounts of how their life had changed for the better. Not a single one of them said they made a mistake by leaving and no one thought their life was worse off than it had been before. Reading the responses to this question from a diverse group of people helped me to validate my own experience after I left the church. It helped me to see that I was not selfish by leaving a high demand religion and that I was not exaggerating when I felt all those same things above that the other participants also mentioned. I really was happier and my life really was more peaceful even if my entire faithful Mormon family felt I was making a mistake by leaving.
Do you miss the Mormon church?
I asked what the participants missed about no longer being a member and what they did not miss. Many of the participants quoted things they missed such as funeral potatoes, boy scouts, activity days, singing in choir, friends, built in friends for their kids and so much more. But as I kept reading I also saw some more serious answers pop up that had also troubled me since I left. The word community kept being repeated over and over in almost everyone’s answer. Almost every single person lost their community when they left the Mormon church. They felt isolated and no longer a part of the neighborhood many had lived in for a long time. They lost friends and family members that all of a sudden were too busy to hang out or even stop for a conversation outside. I was struck with how many participants told me that they missed this community they were once a big part of and now they had no idea how to fill that void. Leaving this high demand religion behind also meant they left behind relationships they had cultivated and grown over years.
Many of the participants also named the same few things they did not miss about Mormonism. Guilt, shame, lies, judgment, and stress were the top answers that were repeated over and over by many participants. Guilt and shame were the top two and were usually associated with sentences such as “judgment of others about my appearance”, “holier than thou attitudes”, “never feeling worthy enough”, “something is wrong with me”, “being told who to be and what to feel”, and “a toxic environment of living up to certain expectations”.
After hearing the things they missed and did not miss I was curious if any of the participants would ever return to the Mormon church. Out of the 40 participants in my study only one clicked the “maybe” button while a resounding no came from the 39 other participants as they all had no desire to ever return. When I was younger I remember always being told that if someone left Mormonism they would always return sometime in their lifetime. I remember a quote from Gordon B. Hinckley (1995), a past Mormon prophet, who said, "I leave my blessing upon you. May there be … a sense of security and peace and love among your children, precious children every one of them, even those who may have strayed. I hope you don’t lose patience with them; I hope you go on praying for them, and I don’t hesitate to promise that if you do, the Lord will touch their hearts and bring them back to you with love and respect and appreciation.” As I would see friends or acquaintances leave the church this would be quoted to me over and over so much so that I even believed it. I would quote this same phrase to others as I got older and truly believed that their loved ones would one day come back. Now that I have left myself I see that there is almost no chance of that happening. Once you lose your faith in the things you once held dear, it is really hard to come to terms with them and sweep them under the rug so that you can once again sit in the pew on Sunday to listen to words and promises that no longer hold any value in your life. Realizing that I am the creator of my future and that no one can tell me what boxes to check or I will go to hell is a liberating feeling that I can never deny. I don’t think I will ever be able to feel peace and acceptance in a church that does not accept my LGBTQ status, or my status as a woman.
Conclusion of analysis
After analyzing all the data and reading over all the responses carefully I have come to the conclusion that for the 40 people I surveyed their lives and relationships with themselves have improved since leaving a high demand religion such as Mormonism behind. The loss of guilt, shame, judgment, and rules have helped all of them achieve more happiness and meaning in their lives. Freedom to make their own choices, time to spend with their family doing things they truly want to do, having meaningful guiltless conversations about life and sexuality, not having to conform to a narrow minded view of reality, and so much more. It is my conclusion that leaving Mormonism behind has made a significant impact on how the participants view and love themselves and others around them with the only negative being that they now need to search for a new community to call their own where they are not judged on anything but who they truly are as human beings. The positive and negative effects for those that chose to leave Mormonism redefined their relationships with themselves and those around them. Leaving a high demand religion such as Mormonism behind has made them have to evaluate their lives and the relationships within it. Because Mormonism is a high demand religion, the journey through deconstruction is long and painful for most. You are not just leaving behind a religion, you are also leaving behind a way of life, a community, family, friends, and so much more. The question then could become, after everything is said and done, has the pain and discomfort of deconstruction made your life better even if it meant giving up things and people you love so that you could love yourself better and more truthfully in the end? In my personal opinion, it has.
References:
Bowman, R. M. (2012). What Mormons believe. IVP Books.
Hinckley, Gordon B. (1995) Church News, 4.
Ormsbee, J. T. (2020). ‘like a cord snapping’: Toward a grounded theory of how devout Mormons leave the LDS Church. Critical Research on Religion, 8(3), 297–317. https://doi.org/10.1177/2050303220924096
Pérez, S., & Vallières, F. (2019). How do religious people become atheists? applying a grounded theory approach to propose a model of deconversion. Secularism and Nonreligion, 8. https://doi.org/10.5334/snr.108
Pew Research Center. (2015, May 12). Religious landscape study. Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/religious-landscape-study/state/utah/
Pew Research Center. (2022, September 13). Modeling the future of religion in America. Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/09/13/modeling-the-future-of-religion-in-america/
Sandstrom, A. (2016, September 30). 6 facts about U.S. Mormons. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2016/09/30/6-facts-about-u-s-mormons/
Seek learning by study and by faith. Homepage - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2004, January 1). https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-gospel-and-the-productive-life-teacher-manual/10-seek-learning-by-study-and-by-faith?lang=eng
Streib, H., Hood, R. W., Keller, B., Csöff, R.-M., & Silver, C. F. (2009). Deconversion. https://doi.org/10.13109/9783666604393
[Paper written for SOC 3400 class UVU Spring 2024]
Amy Brouwer . 2024 . All Right Reserved
